obsession called while you were out (flyingcarpet) wrote in the_psych_ward,
obsession called while you were out

I hesitated to post this here initially because I don't really know y'all, but I'm working on a new fic now and can use all the constructive criticism I can get on the older one, so I figured I'd give it a shot.

So first-- hello! Nice to meet you all, I'm Rebecca.

I have a medium-length H/G one-shot posted here, and I would love to hear your thoughts on it. This is not just a plea for reviews, but rather for help/crit/suggestions. As I said, I'm working on another fic and I'm trying to improve my writing.

Harry knew what a hero should be. His aunt Petunia had never sat by his bedside and read him fairy tales as he drifted off to sleep. If his mum had, he didn’t remember it. Hermione had once lectured him on the literary tradition of the warrior hero, and for Christmas that year, he had received two books of fairy tales from her, one Wizard and one Muggle.

He had blushed, and laughed, and then read them from cover to cover behind the velvet hangings of his four-poster bed by wandlight.

He read about Sleeping Beauty and Snow White, revived from endless magical sleep by the kiss of true love. In his mind’s eye, Sleeping Beauty had red hair, and she lay on the floor of a stone cavern. He started to understand, maybe, what Ginny saw in him.

At the end, the princess rode off with the hero on his horse, and they lived happily ever after. Harry felt sick.

He might have brandished his sword and killed the monster and defeated the bad guy, but in his life there was no “happily ever after.” There was no “happily” anywhere, and he still wasn’t sure there would ever be an “ever after.” Not for him, anyway.

If that’s what Ginny wanted from him, she was out of luck.

Thanks in advance for any suggestions!
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This is lovely. The pacing, the breaks... They all seem to work so well. It's rather more fluffy in spots than I usually go for, because I am all about the bittersweet, TEH ANGEST, PANE, WHOA of it all, but if I'm going to die of diabetic shock, I'd rather it be from reading your fluff than any other. You've got a great sense of humor and a very delicate touch with the weird gives and takes of adolescent relationships. The things that stupidly get assumed, the important things that go unsaid.

I really loved it.
Wow, thank you so much!

I'm just overwhelmed-- I thought maybe this was a little too fluffy for the folks here (*passes over toothbrush to combat the cotton-candy-ness*), so I'm glad to know that isn't the case.
Hey! I loved it too. Because I am a list sort of person, here is a list of my thoughts:

1. I like the way you skip between scenes, and forwards and backwards in time. I saw some reviewers complaining about it, but I thought you did it very well.
2. What's wrong with a little fluff, sometimes? :D
3. I like your Ginny very much indeed.
4. Ditto your Harry. Very real.

*waits happily for more* :-)
Thank you!

I'm glad you thought the characters were realistic-- it's one of the things I tried to do, and I wasn't sure how well I'd succeeded.

I'm sorry to disappoint, but I'm not planning to continue this. I'm definitely writing more H/G, but "Happily" was only ever a one-shot.
Oh, not disappointed! Because you characterize them so well - I'm sure I'll enjoy anything you write, even if it's not a sequel. In fact... *friends you*
*friends back*